Those hardship days…come back to memory again

The Chief who was at the helm ruled the company like a Director.

A self-made man, he proclaims having started his life building the company from a single room, a table, chair and a typewriter, with Rs.250/- in his pocket.

This self-made man had a vicious streak and an ego that matched his grossly inflated pay cheque. When I first started with him, he sounded polite, affable and down to earth. But soon, when the word started spreading about my abilities, my accomplishments, my achievements he suspected I was too ambitious and started growing cold, often communicating with me through tense words in group discussion or meetings and would never let go an opportunity to insult me, humiliate me or make personal remarks about me or implicate me on something invisible.

Most of them would avoid him but would never tell him that he was a ‘cold’ and a ‘cunning fox’, because of the fact that he was really a guy with power in his hands. Could get anyone in at anytime and get one out any time. The real power in him might have given rise to his feeling that as I rose in management positions; I’d probably make him look bad. Or may be he saw too much of him in me – and didn’t like what he saw.

I have to admit, however, I carried my own weaknesses. Foremost was a hair-trigger temper.

If something went wrong at the wrong time, a rage brewed within me that I simply couldn’t control.

I had no idea where it came from but it was there. And it wasn’t a business asset – I also admit that though I think Iam a fundamentally decent person, I could be rough around the edges when it came to the art of managing people. Like I said, I had the qualifications, and was a learner through experience but received no leadership training, and operated on what little instinct I had been granted with. I often found that those in my team and some others, who worked closely with me, shared my work ethic and commitment to excellence, which let to a lot of disappointments often leading to frustration. Yes, I would yell at people. Yes, I took on far more responsibilities than my ability to complete them. Yes, I should have spent more time building relationships, bending down low and cultivating loyalties, I’d have been ‘God knows how far high’. But, thanks anyway, I had more fires to put out and never seemed to have had enough time for the things that needed improving. I guess I was like the mariner who spent all his time bailing water out of his boat rather than taking time to fix the hole in it, short sighted at its best.

And so the day came, a absolute, bolt from the blue. I was fixed by things that I wasn’t a part of though I had signed some documents. Things were filled up behind my back, and had no other option but to plead ignorance. All of it was falling on deaf ears and the response being given was "you even act very well." I gave up seeing it was futile, and felt very bitter for having been cheated by people who took all the help from me and betrayed my trust.

I left before being fired, left without telling anyone. I really don’t know what were the stories spelt out after my sudden exit, but the next four months that followed were truly the most darkest months of my life.

Thank God I had my wife, kids and my family around me supporting me in every way possible. All of them did their best to lift my spirits and encouraged me to pick up the pieces of once my fast tracked career: but those months of idleness and running around from pillar to port showed me that our self-esteem is not linked to our jobs. "Nothing can defeat you unless you defeat yourself". I really badly needed this opportunity not only to lift me out of the hole but also to bring me into light after the darkness that had enveloped me.

I needed a reason to wake up every morning. I needed to reconnect to that sense of passion and purpose.

It took me a while and after some initial hiccups life began to flow and it looked as if the train of life was on its track. No major gains, nothing major happening but life went on as I waited for creating opportunities. Despite all obstacles I kept my spirits high, created opportunities one after the other and kept chugging along till this day it seems like a dream.

Life goes on, but now after weathering some of the worst storms in my life, enabling a lot of them, touch their shores too, I still sail with the passion and joy as if to say that I’ve been created for a ‘purpose’ and so I shall not leave this planet till the day that ordained ‘purpose’, meant by the Almighty for me, is met.

I’ll leave a mark, I’ll leave several impressions and will remain in the hearts of all those who knew me, and am sure they will all shed a tear for me.