Humorous Quotes attributed to G. B. Shaw

1856-1950, Irish Dramatist

· A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. 
· A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. 
· A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth. 
· A doctor’s reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die under his care. 
· Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. 
· All great truths begin as blasphemies. 
· Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended. 
· Dancing: The vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalized by music. 
· Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same. 
· Do not try to live for ever. You will not succeed. 
· Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for 
        myself by thinking once or twice a week. 
· I was always unlawful; I broke the law when I was born because my parents weren't married. 
· I often quote myself, it adds spice to my conversation. 
· If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they wouldn’t reach any conclusion. 
· It is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a man’s to keep unmarried as long as he 
        can. 
· Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people 
        laugh. 
· Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability. 
· My reputation grows with every failure. 
· One man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who haven't and don't. 
· Only Lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt for jury duty. 
· Take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then say it with the utmost levity. 
· The golden rule is that there are no golden rules. 
· The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post. 
· The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that’s the 
        essence of inhumanity. 
· The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the 
        world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. (Man and Superman) 
· The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. 
· The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. 
· There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart’s desire. The other is to get it. 
· Those who can do, those who can't teach. 
· To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it. 
· We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. 
· We should all be obliged to appear before a board every five years and justify our existence...on pain of 
        liquidation. 
· We don't stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing ! 
· What really flatters a man is that you think him worth flattery. 
· When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. 
· When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder him he calls it 
        ferocity. 
· When a man teaches something he does not know to somebody else who has no aptitude for it, and     
        gives him a certificate of proficiency, the latter has completed the education of a gentleman. 
· Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of 
        course. 
· You see things; and you say `Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say `Why not? 
· Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. 
· A day’s work is a day’s work, neither more nor less, and the man who does it needs a day’s sustenance, 
        a night’s repose and due leisure, whether he be painter or ploughman. 
· A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic. 
· A fool’s brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence 
        University education. 
· A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing 
        nothing. 
· A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth. 
· Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them. 
· An American has no sense of privacy. He does not know what it means.There is no such thing in the 
        country. 
· Criminals do not die by the hands of the law. They die by the hands of other men. 
· Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. 
· England and America are two countries separated by a common language. 
· Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough. 
· Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for 
        myself by thinking once or twice a week. 
· Gambling promises the poor what property performs for the rich–something for nothing. 
· Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from 
        history. 
· Hell is full of musical amateurs. 
· I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have 
        invented the Nobel Prize. 
· I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation. 
· If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion. 
· If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning 
        from experience. 
· If the lesser mind could measure the greater as a footrule can measure a pyramid, there would be 
        finality in universal suffrage. As it is, the political problem remains unsolved. 
· If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. 
· Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at 
        last you create what you will. 
· Lack of money is the root of all evil. 
· Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people 
        laugh. 
· Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability. 
· Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born 
        in it. 
· Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad. 
· Self-sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without blushing. 
· The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken 
         man is happier than a sober one. 
· The liar’s punishment is not in the least that he is not believed but that he cannot believe anyone else. 

When Insults Had Class

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” –Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
–Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” –William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” –Groucho Marx

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” –Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” –Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one.” –George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill 

“Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.” –Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” –Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” –John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” –Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” –Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” –Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.” –Walter Kerr

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” –Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” –Mae West

“Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!” –Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

“Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!” –Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." —Moses Hadas

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." —Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." —Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." —Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." —James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." —Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." —Forrest Tucker

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I know." —Abraham Lincoln

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts — for support rather than illumination." —Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." —Billy Wilder

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” –Oscar Wilde

"You, Mr. Wilkes, will die either of the pox or on the gallows."–The Earl of Sandwich
"That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles."–John Wilkes's response to The Earl of Sandwich

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." –Winston Churchill

WHEN WE ARE OLD, WHOM DO WE DEPEND ON ?
Ourselves, ourselves, only ourselves
(The truth, as disclosed by a group of old folks)
A GENERAL BIT OF ADVICE
 Have your own abode. No matter what, do not lose it, until your death!
 If you have an old companion, keep each other good company.
 Watch your health while it is still good.
 Maintain a positive outlook and you will be happy.
 Now, our health is still good, our mind still clear.
 But on whom can we depend in our old age?
 We will have to analyse in various stages.
1st Stage:
Just after retirement, between 60 to 70 yrs old, our health will still be comparatively good. So too our financial means.
Eat moderately while we have the means. At times, wear what we fancy.
Those who like it, have some fun.
Do not be hard on yourself
Our days are numbered, so, grasp the opportunity.
Have some savings!
Keep the house!
Make arrangements for the days ahead or retreat.
If the kids are well off, it is their business ...
If the kids are filial, they have good traits ....
We need neither decline financial help from our kids nor decline their respect.
But we should remain independent and live our own life well.
2nd Stage:
If no mishap and illness strike after we are 70, we will still be able to take care of ourselves. Not a major problem.
However, we must realise we are really getting old gradually, our body and mind will give way.
Our reflexes will slow down with time.
We will have to eat slowly, to avoid choking.
We will have to walk slowly, to avoid falls.
We can no longer put on a front, we have to look after ourselves!
Do not meddle anymore with this and that, or control the kids!
Some even interfere with the third generation!!!
We have intervened our entire life, It is time for us to be a little selfish!
Take hold of ourselves. Life must come full circle.
Help with the cleaning chores.
Try to maintain our health for as long as possible.
Give ourselves more opportunities to take control of our own life.
We lead an easier life when we do not have to solicit help from others.
3rd Stage:
Our health begins to fail. We have to request help from others. We have to be mentally prepared for it.
The majority of us cannot escape this hurdle.
We have to prepare ourselves, emotionally, to accept that in life, living and aging, sickness and death are milestones we have to encounter.
This is the final stage in life.
Nothing to fear!
Be prepared for it in advance and we will not be too depressed.
Either check into a private nursing home or an old folks home.
Depending on affordability, of course.
There must be a way out.
The idea is not to add to the kids'; burden, emotionally, increase their chores and their financial commitments.
Try our best to overcome -
What hardship has our generation not endured?
What disasters have we not experienced?
Trust us to take life's last lap in our stride.
4th Stage:
Our mind is still clear, but we are terminally ill, when our quality of life has deteriorated drastically.
We must be courageous enough to face death!
Insist that the family not try to prolong our life: Do not incur unnecessary expenditure.
WHEN WE ARE OLD, WHOM DO WE DEPEND ON:-
Ourselves,
Ourselves,
Only OURSELVES .................

Our Experiences in Life

(My Life partners experience as an educationist)

LOOKING BACK

I interviewed my father for part of a research paper I was working on for my Psychology class. When I asked him to define success in his own words, he said, “Success is when you look back at your life and the the number of lives you make make will give you memories that will make you smile.

She surely smiles very often because she has tutored several students who have made their lives and now is creating teachers who will carry out that mission for more and more children. 

(My daughter's experiences)

INNOCENCE

One day, in the cutest voice, then 8-year-old my daughter asked me to start recycling. I chuckled and asked, “Why?”

She replied, “So you can help me save the planet.” I chuckled again and asked, “And why do you want to save the planet?”

“Because that’s where I keep all my stuff,” she said.

She has finished her Engineering has done her Masters in Rural Management has carved her professional life working for social causes alone, and has influenced all of us around her to think on the same lines. 

(My son wrote to me at different times) 

KINDNESS

While I was in the Carnegie Mellon University, I tore my ligament and was in deep pain. One day while on my way to the University, a boy, in a wheelchair saw me desperately struggling with his injured leg, with crutches and a slightly heavy back pack, offered to carry his backpack and books for me. He helped me all the way across campus to his class and as he was leaving he said, “I hope you feel better soon.” It brought me tears as I was deeply touched because of the gesture that young boy showed and also terribly moved because I could wish that boy the same as he was crippled below his waist.

SHARING

While on my work one day, in the deep jungles of Kalahandi (a very backward tribal area in Western Orissa) and I met a hungry tribal from one of the hamlets. He said he hadn’t eaten anything in over 3 days and looked extremely skinny and unhealthy. Then I offered him the rest of the chapathi's I was eating. The first thing the man said was, “We can share it.” This was touching indeed.

My own experiences

AFFECTION

I kissed my dad on the forehead as he passed away in a small hospital bed in 1983. About 5 seconds after he passed, I realized it was the first time I had given him a kiss since I was a little boy. 

LOOKING BACK

My brother, and two sisters with me stood around my mother’s bed, when my mother uttered her last coherent words as she was dying. She simply said, “I feel so loved right now. We should have gotten together like this more often.” 

THE POWER OF UNIQUENESS.

About two decades ago I asked my mentor – a very successful lady in her 80’s now – what her top 3 tips are for success. She smiled and said, “Read something no one else is reading, think something no one else is thinking, and do something no one else is doing." I did exactly that and I still continue doing that.

The Dash
by Linda Ellis copyright 1996

​I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on the tombstone
from the beginning…to the end.

He noted that first came the date of birth
and spoke the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that they spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved them
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
the cars…the house…the cash
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what’s true and real
and always try to understand
​the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we’ve never loved before. 

If we treat each other with respect
and more often wear a smile,
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

​So, when your eulogy is being read,
with your life’s actions to rehash…
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent YOUR dash?

​Copyright 1996 Linda Ellis
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

"Kaagaz Ke Phool" Aaj Ka Version

Doing it's rounds on the internet it's reached me. Enjoyed it, particularly when I googled this song on the YouTube and went through the new lyrics. It's real fun ......!!!!!!!!!!
A tribute to the great Guru Dutt

"Kaagaz Ke Phool" Aaj Ka Version "Software Ke Phool......!!!!!!!!!!"

A reborn Guru Dutt sets up a Software firm. He makes a film, called 'Software ke phool'.  Sahir Sahab likewise revises his old song for the new venture.
It goes like this:

yeh document, yeh meetings, yeh features ki duniya,
yeh insaan ke dushman, cursors ki duniya
yeh deadlines ke bhooke, management ki duniya;
yeh Product agar ban bhi jaaye to kya hai?

yahaan ek khilona hai programmer ki hasti
yeh basti hai murda bug-fixers ki basti
yahaan par to raises hai, inflation se sasti
yeh Review agar ho bhi jaaye to kya hai?

har ek keyboard ghayal, har ek log-in pyaasi
excel mein uljhan, winword mein udaasi,
yeh office hai ya aalame microsoft ki
yeh Release agar ho bhi jaaye to kya hai?

jalaa do ise, phoonk daalo yeh monitor,
mere saamne se hataa daalo yeh modem'
tumhaara hai tumhi sambhaalo yeh computer,
yeh Product agar chal bhi jaaye to kya hai?

Quest for Perfection
Human Qualities, Focus, Dedication and Determination are more important than Talent.
I've had a satisfying innings as a colleague, as a partner, as a parent as a person. I had an enjoyable childhood although some things were tough.
Quest for perfection
You can't be perfect in all things but have to be in something that comes to you naturally.
For eg.: Consider yourself to be an sportsperson - raquet games, football, hockey, cricket etc., you should be physically fit, you should have the body power and speed. Else you should use deception, accuracy and the use of intelligence as your forte, to make up for the qualities that you don't have. These factors can help you succeed. If you imbibe this in your philosophy for perfection in one thing in life, you'll seek it in everything.
It's important to aim at perfection without being too worried about it. Somethings go wrong sometime, and you can get stressed. It is all a process of learning to gain experience. It is important to give a 100% in everything, by not being worried if things don't work out exactly the way you want. You have to learn to make sure that mistakes aren't repeated, that's the real learning. It's all about being balanced. For me, striking the correct balance - both professionally and by family - has come over time, through trial and error and the wisdom that age brings with it.

If I could go back and start my career again, what would change and why? If I could choose to be someone else who would I choose?

I don't think I'll make any changes, as I do not think too many things require it.

As a career professional I gave it all whenever I was designated for any assignment and I converted all hardships that would work in my favor. Looking back at my career I have always probably been working with startups which sprung new challenges all the way. Overcoming these challenges, helped me becoming a seasoned professional in later years.

Looking back, I don't think it would have been possible had I been working with larger organizations, where everything is already set, and you have just to go on with the established and time proven processes, without exception.

I do not know how I would have evolved both as a professional and a person if everything came to me on a platter.

In a way circumstances played a huge part in shaping me to what I became.

I would probably do all the same things to develop my work ethic, focus and dedication, if I were a young professional of this generation. I would have made the most of the knowledge that's available for most young people now. The support systems especially the internet, management science, business Philosophy, leadership psychology etc., which were things not so easily available then. It's freely and abundantly available for the youngsters of today. They've got to learn to harness that in tune with their energy and enthusiasm. It's that fine balance that they need to strive for.

Nobody is a perfect person, but I've always tried to see the good qualities in the others to include them into my personality.
As a growing professional I tried to integrate the good characteristics, body language, speaking style, thought processes, planning, execution, follow up, without changing my basic self. It's the same in real life as well. During my stint in the workplace, and outside - as a parent, as a member of the society, it has always been "walking the talk," practicing what I preach.

My success mantra is the 3 D's - discipline, dedication, and determination (in the right direction) - has remained the same. It may not be easy, but, it is certainly not impossible to sell that basic philosophy to the young people of today. It will perhaps take longer but, that is the nature of that mantra, where results won't come by quickly. Everyone in today's times wants quick results, but success is achieved only through hard work, patience, focus, concentration and continuous practice. This routine could sound boring, or mundane, but in the long run will produce results.

Happiness to me is good health and peace of mind, in that order. It's the same thing that has been shared with our children.

My philosophy is that money is not a 'priority."
Having said that let me quickly add, it's not that money is unimportant, it's just that it's not the only thing in our lives. In the last few years, industry has been paying a lot more and rewarding a lot more, and the only thing expected back in return is their focus on performance and performance alone. It's important, I am not complaining about it, it's just that there has been a lot of advancement in technology as compared to then, hence the quantum leap in expectations. Working as we did mostly manually then, helped us get rounded off in many ways. Today technology helps us do more things, much better. All that you have to be is to become a little more tech-savvy, and that to an extent is a challenge. I have and am trying to overcome this challenge. Have succeeded to a certain extent. To be competitive I realized this is what I have to do to be the best in whatever I do and so I do it. Complaining or giving excuses is a mere waste of time, so it is better to do what is within your control rather than outside it.

Having said all this, I'm happy to have been a part of all the development and changes that have taken place around me from the time I started my career. I have made people believe it is possible for us to do anything that the others can and being the best too. Till date, I haven't felt this as a burden, but, I would certainly want someone else to do even better than I did. A lot of things are better now, so young people should take advantage of everything that's available to them. I say this because they are devoid of people who can guide and inspire them. It is also true and sad to see people not putting their effort's in the right direction. I can only pity them, for all the chaos and confusion we created for them. The distractions around us is the cause, but that can't be an excuse. However, it's important to strive for and to aim at excellence.

I admire some young people that I know off for their hunger to succeed, despite having achieved things that much beyond their age. I surely know that this count can be doubled, tripled or increased multi-fold if only we work together.