Nurturing Your Children in the Form of Roots and Wings
by Denis Waitley
Carter, Hodding quotes, “There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings”. Carter, Hodding quotes
It is far better to give your children your time and nurturing in the form of Roots and Wings instead of trying to buy their affection with Loot and Things.
What do we mean by Roots and Wings?
We must have roots in order to grow strong and weather the buffeting winds of unforeseen storms and the challenges of weeds and droughts. These are character traits fundamental to long-term success, regardless of future environmental conditions.
By wings, means the motivation, goal orientation and optimism to soar and fly, becoming independent, high achieving adults who make a positive difference in life.
With solid roots, children are prepared to leave their parents' gardens. The planting of the seeds of greatness in kids takes patience and persistence.
Character growth is not always immediate or obvious.
If, for example, you were to plant the seed of a Chinese bamboo tree, and water and nurture the seed consistently, you could become frustrated and even discouraged, unless you knew the growth cycle of the tree.
There is no visible growth the first, second, third, or fourth year. But during the fifth year, the tree will grow about ninety feet in six weeks!
Did the tree really wait five years to begin growing?
Of course not. The nurturing of the first four years allowed the tree to develop a strong root system which could accommodate the tremendous, visible growth that fifth year.
It is often the same in raising children. Values and character traits are not instilled overnight or by preaching. They are formed over time through modeling and repetition. Values are more often caught, than taught. Although we don't often see the immediate consequences or rewards of the thoughts planted in our children's minds, in due time, they will reap what has been sown.
For Parents : Communicating with Your Middle and High School Age Child
First you listen, then you talk. The parent who takes the role of listener is in complete control. It's important to take the time to listen to your children. Don't say "in just a minute" or "not right now." Make it clear that you are listening and trying to understand your child's point of view.
Learning to listen better can help transform your relationship with your child by making him or her feel appreciated, by increasing trust, and by helping to solve problems more quickly. If you're going to give your adolescent or teen your full attention, you're going to need to become a good listener.
And to become a better listener, you're going to need to reduce or eliminate both physical and psychological barriers. Physically, you're going to want to minimize distractions so you can pay attention. You might turn off the TV or the radio, or put away your magazine. Take a deep breath (this will prevent you from interrupting and provide your brain with invigorating oxygen), and maintain eye contact as you consciously decide to listen.
You probably think you're a pretty good conversationalist, and you're probably right. But take a moment to ask yourself if you talk to your teen using open-ended versus dead-ended questions. The latter require just a "yes" or "no" answer. That's economical but not very enlightening.
Which is more typical of your conversations?
You: "Did you have a good day at school?"
Kid: "It was O.K."
That's the end of the conversation because the answer is too complex and to a child who hears it every day, it sounds automatic. So you get an automatic, routine answer.
— or —
You: "You look like you survived the tryouts for the soccer team."
Let's say he or she responds by saying he didn't make the team and is disappointed. You could follow up by responding:
"That must be tough playing under the coach's scrutiny like that. Were you nervous?"
"Do you agree with the coach's decision?"
"Will you try out again next year?"
"If you and I play a lot this year would that help you for next year?"
"Hmmm. Sounds as if you're disappointed but determined to work to improve. Is that right?"
None of these responses would have likely followed if you just asked the dead-ended question, "Was school O.K. today?" and you would have missed an opportunity to have a more in-depth exchange. Remember, a real conversation gets two people involved, not just going through the motions.
Three issues to consider:
Timing: Teens don't want to be ignored or intruded upon so try giving them some time and distance when they come home from school. The idea is not to ignore school but try greeting them with a statement rather than a question. "You look like you survived the tryouts for the soccer team," not "How were tryouts for the soccer team?" Middle and high school is a lot about privacy so think of it as a verbal hug in the form of a statement.
Tone: Kids will often hear judgment when none is intended. A simple statement like, "You're awfully quiet today," can be taken as accusatory or empathic, and can cause your child to become unresponsive to avoid criticism. Try to make your statements specific and non-judgmental. "That must be tough playing under the coach's scrutiny like that."
Topic: Kids are more likely to respond to questions that focus on what matters to them. "If you and I play a lot this year would that help you for next year?" Take the time and make the effort to have your teen believe he or she has your full attention and is really being heard. You'll likely find that in return he or she is more willing to listen to you.
Practice the skill of listening with your teen and watch your relationship with them begin to transform!
A Child's Bedtime Song
by Denis Waitley
If I had two wishes, I know what they would be
I'd wish for roots to cling to, and wings to set me free;
Roots of inner values, like rings within a tree,
And wings of independence to seek my destiny.
Roots to hold forever, to keep me safe and strong
To let me know you love me, when I've done something wrong;
To show me by example, and help me learn to choose
To take those actions every day to win instead of lose.
Just be there when I need you, to tell me it's all right
To face my fear of falling when I test my wings in flight;
Don't make my life too easy, it's better if I try
And fail and get back up myself, so I can learn to fly.
If I had two wishes, and two were all I had
And they could just be granted by my mom and dad;
I wouldn't wish for money or any store-bought things
The greatest gifts I'd ask for are simply roots and wings.
How to Solve Problems for Elementary/Middle/High School Age
by Dr. Maryann Rosenthal
Nothing helps children absorb the blows of life as much as a strong sense of inner self-worth. As parents, we are naturally eager to protect them from pain and problems. When they are very young, we can do this in very literal and tangible ways by protecting them from danger and creating a safe environment at home.
In addition to learning to expect good things, children must learn to respond effectively when bad things happen, because adversity will touch each of us in some way. A part of your role is to teach your child the ability to handle the hurts and failures of life with poise, and with a positive, constructive response.
* Let your children make mistakes without the fear of punishment or rejection. Show them that mistakes are learning devices that become stepping-stones to success. Help them correct their own mistakes, without trying to cover them up or fix the blame elsewhere.
* Role-play with your children situations that require making ethical decisions. For example: you want a newspaper from the paper vending machine, but you don't have the money to buy one. However, you notice the door to the paper machine is ajar. Do you go ahead and take the paper if no one is looking? Why or why not? You may find your children's answers to such questions very revealing, either proving a solid base of ethical development or need for improvement.
* Be more grateful and optimistic about life on a daily basis. Set a positive example in reacting to your own frustrations. If you blow off steam in front of your family, make sure you also demonstrate to them that you are working through the problem in a measured, calm and reasonable manner.
* Show children that a temporary failure does not affect your love for them. The greatest fear a child can have is that the parent's love is contingent on the child's success. Don't hold back affection, or threaten to do so, because of poor performance. If anything, that's when your child needs it the most. You might say: "I love you and think you're a terrific person."
Family Meetings/Rituals
A ritual that we recommend for all age groups is a family meeting, say once a month, to set or repeat the family rules and settle disputes. A family meeting is a great time to expound on the rules and manage conflict, whether it's how much time any one person can have in the bathroom to who's responsible for walking and feeding the dog.
A family council may sound like a quaint idea that went out with armchair doilies, but it can make your home function better. It's especially important for large and/or blended families.
Such a meeting helps families get organized. It showcases the value of cooperation and teamwork. It reminds us to subordinate our individual desires to the common good. Plus, the structure takes a lot of the steam out of disagreements; participants are less likely to yell at one another when in a group discussion.
In fact, you might even want to use the ritual of the family meeting to discuss the family's other rituals. Take an inventory among yourselves. Ask: "What do we do together, over and over, that has special meaning for us?" or "What do we do or say that makes our family different from others?" And "When did we start doing that?" or "Why is that ritual important to us?" Such an inventory might make it easier to begin some new rituals or improve old ones.
You don't want your meeting to be over-complicated by rules, but neither do you want it to become just a gripe fest, with nothing really getting done. So strive for a middle ground between bureaucracy and anarchy.
Here are some suggestions:
* Meet at a regular time.
* Make a list of topics or an agenda, perhaps posting it earlier on the refrigerator door so others can add to it.
* Take turns being the leader.
* Ask for comments from everyone.
* Focus on actions to be taken, not just complaints to be heard.
"An education isn’t how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It’s being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don’t." – Anatole France
Buy your child a diary or a journal notebook. Leave it on his desk or table along with a new box of pencils and a note that says, "Dare to dream." Teach your teen that the past doesn't equal the future. Each day is another chance to make something positive happen in one's life.
Today: Discuss "Something I really want to do in life."
Listening means keeping eye contact, sitting close, giving positive facial expressions, and keeping quiet while your child says what he needs to say.
Today: Concentrate on listening to your kids with your full attention.
Tell your child that if she never made a mistake, it would mean she never did anything. Teach her that if she must doubt, to doubt her doubts and not her beliefs.
Today: Help your kids work through their fears, with more knowledge.
Model self-talk. First, model positive self-talk, then have children use it. Give examples of negative self-talk and have the children change the negative statements into positive statements.
Today: Be aware that optimism is learned by imitation and repetition.
Teach your children to ask others, "What do you think?" This will help build human-relationship skills.
Today: Set the example by getting a variety of inputs before deciding.
Arrange "success experiences" for young children -- tasks with a high likelihood of success -- to give them opportunities to develop a bank of success.
Today: Give your child a way to feel a sense of achievement.
Children Learn What They Live
by Denis Waitley
An ancient Chinese proverb tells us, "A child's life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark."
We cannot teach our children self-esteem. We can only help them discover it within themselves by adding positive marks and strokes on their slates. All positive motivation is rooted in self-esteem – the development of which, just as with other skills takes practice. Think of self-esteem as a four-legged chair.
A Sense of Belonging: The first leg of self-esteem is a sense of belonging. We all have a deep-seated need to feel we're part of something larger than ourselves. This need, which psychologists call an affiliation drive, encompasses people, places and possessions. Our instinct for belonging – for being wanted, accepted, enjoyed, and loved by close ones – is extremely powerful. It explains the bond of an extended family, friends, and teammates. It also explains why some adolescents join gangs. They want to belong, even if it's wrong.
Make your children proud of their family heritage and make your home a place where they feel safe, loved and welcome. Also, make your home a place where your children want to bring their friends, rather than a place they want to leave as soon as possible.
A Sense of Individual Identity: The second leg, which complements the sense of belonging, is a sense of individual identity. No human being is exactly like another, not even an identical twin. We are all unique combinations of talents and traits that never existed before and will never exist again in quite the same package. (This explains why most parents believe their children came from different planets!)
Observe your children as they grow and play. Watch their learning styles. Notice what they love to do in their free time. Help them discover their unique positive talents and help nurture them into skills. Report cards don't necessarily measure talents. They often are a measure only of discipline, memory and attention span.
A Sense of Worthiness: The third leg of self-esteem is a sense of worthiness, the feeling that I'm glad I'm me, with my genes and background, my body, my unique thoughts. Without our own approval, we have little to offer. If we don't feel worth loving, it's hard to believe that others love us; instead, we tend to see others as appraisers or judges of our value.
Show your children unconditional love. Carefully separate the doer from the deed, and the performer from the performance. The message: "I love you no matter what happens, and I'm always there for you" is one of most important concepts in building a feeling of worthiness or intrinsic value in children. After every reprimand, let them know you love them. Before they go to sleep at night, give them the reassurance that, regardless of what happened that day, you love them unconditionally.
A healthy sense of belonging, identity, and worthiness can only be rooted in intrinsic core values as opposed to outer, often material, motivation. Without them, we depend on others constantly to fill our leaking reserves of self-esteem – but also tend to suspect others of ulterior motives. Unable to accept or reject others' opinions for what they're worth, we are defensive about criticism and paranoid about praise – and no amount of praise can replace the missing qualities.
A healthy sense of belonging, identity, and worthiness is also essential to belief in your dreams. It is most essential during difficult times, when you have only a dream to hang on to.
A Sense of Control and Competence: Early in my career in motivational psychology, I thought the chair of self-esteem balanced firmly on those three legs, especially since they involved intrinsic core values. It took much time and research to realize that a fourth leg – one of the most important – was missing.
There are many reasons why few kids currently in high school and college believe they were born to win. The supportive extended family – in many cases, even the nuclear family – is disappearing. Role models are increasingly unhealthy. The commercial media bombards young senses ever more insistently with crime, violence, hedonism, and other unhealthy forms of escape. But whatever the explanation, constructive citizens and leaders in society cannot emerge and develop without the creative imagination that serves them like fuel – which is why the apprehension, frustration, and hesitation I see and hear in the younger generation is cause for concern. At the moment, the future they imagine will help drive neither happiness nor success.
The chair's fourth leg is self-efficacy, a functional belief in your ability to control what happens to you in a changing, uncertain world. A sense of worthiness may give you the emotional means to venture, but you need self-efficacy, the sense of competence and control, to believe you can succeed. That's why it is so important to assign responsibility for small tasks to your children as early as possible so they can learn that their choices and efforts result in consequences and successes. The more success they experience, the stronger their confidence grows – and the more responsibility they want to assume.
Give them specific household chores and duties they can accomplish and be proud of. Teach them that their problems and setbacks are just temporary inconveniences and learning experiences. Emphasize it constantly: Setbacks are not failures.
Armed with a view of failure as a learning experience, children can develop an early eagerness for new challenges and will be less afraid to try new skills. Although they appreciate compliments, they benefit most from their own belief that they are making a valuable contribution to life, according to their own internal standards.
In an increasingly competitive global marketplace, each new, young member of the workforce simply must believe that he or she is a team leader, a self-empowered, quality individual who expresses that quality in excellent production and service. With increasing pressures on profit and the need to do more with fewer workers because of e-commerce and changing technology, it is essential that parents and business leaders help raise the value of their childrens' and employees' stock in themselves.
By watching Raising Confident Kids, you'll understand:
"Nine tenths of education is encouragement." – Anatole France
• Authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and uninvolved parenting styles
• How to compete with media and peers to be your child's role model
• The importance of discovering a child's natural gifts
• Setting goals that are "out of reach" but not "out of sight"
• And much more!
"The highest education is that which does not merely give us information but makes our life in harmony with all existence." – Rabindranath Tagore
Our Kids are Not Our Clones
One of the most valuable lessons I have learned in being an effective family leader and in raising mychildren is to: "Treat our children with the same respect, we expect from them." Our children are not clones or copies of us. Although they mimic us and other adults as role models, they cannot be expected to feel or act the way we do.
Kahlil Gibran is my favorite on the subject:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself….
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit,
Not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them be like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday
-- Denis Waitley
Take A Moment
(This excerpt was taken from Denis Waitley's The Seeds of Greatness Treasury)
Take a moment to listen today
to what your children are trying to say,
Listen to them, whatever you do
or they won't be there to listen to you.
Listen to their problems, listen to their needs
Praise their smallest triumphs, praise their littlest deeds;
Tolerate their chatter, amplify their laughter,
Find out what's the matter, find out what they're after.
If we tell our children all the bad in them we see,
They'll grow up exactly how we hoped they'd never be;
But if we tell our children we're so proud to wear their name,
They'll grow up believing that they're winners in the game.
So tell them that you love them every single night;
And though you scold them make sure you hold them
and tell them they're all right, "Good night, happy dreams,
Tomorrow's looking bright."
Take a moment to listen today to what
your children are trying to say
Listen to them whatever you do, and
They'll be there to listen to you.
Inspire self-confidence in your kids!
"The only thing more expensive than education is ignorance." – Benjamin Franklin
Does your child have trouble fitting in on the playground?
Are her friendships fleeting?
Do his teachers give him unsatisfactory participation grades?
Is shyness and lack of confidence holding your child back?
"Nine tenths of education is encouragement." – Anatole France
Parents have enormous power to influence their children's lives and directions.
So, how can you and your children achieve the goals of self-confidence and self-esteem?
"The secret of education lies in respecting the pupil." – Ralph Waldo Emerson
By watching Raising Confident Kids, you'll understand:
• Authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and uninvolved parenting styles
• How to compete with media and peers to be your child's role model
• The importance of discovering a child's natural gifts
• Setting goals that are "out of reach" but not "out of sight"
• And much more!
"The highest education is that which does not merely give us information but makes our life in harmony with all existence." – Rabindranath Tagore
Remember: What you leave in your children is more important than what you leave to them.
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