Notes from Georgia

Fear Not, Judge Not, Resist Not – Guidelines for Living
Of course, there are many more guidelines and success principles to consider, but these are pretty core for me, and I wanted to explore them with you. I would love your comments and thoughts as you read through these. We learn from each other, and none of us has all the answers – just the ones that resonate with us. We broaden and expand our minds, and grow spiritually as we connect with each other.
The first guideline is to Fear Not. What we learned here is that we are safe. Of course, life has its ups and downs, it crisis and tragedies. But, these are not insurmountable, and they exist in the material world. Our spirit is always safe – it is infinite. Once we understand that, we can begin to let our fear go. The second guideline is to Judge Not.
Judge Not
Here is a surprise: We are not the judges of the Universe, not the judges of others, and not even the judges of ourselves! REALLY! As you begin to be aware and intentional in your thought, stepping into your own power, and making meaningful decisions on your own behalf, you will make an astounding discovery. Other people are quite capable, and you can trust them with their own lives and decisions. You are not “the boss of them” or in any position of authority over others sufficient enough to judge them.
You still get to make choices for yourself because this is the only place where you have authority and power. Your choices are wrapped around whether you will participate with others or not, even when you don’t agree with them. Either way, the only thing you can judge is what is appropriate for you.
Now that we’ve got that concept out there, lets talk about judging yourself.
In our culture, self-worth is measured by a strong ego, self-confidence, competitiveness, assertiveness, and ultimately by money, status and possessions – all examples of external accomplishment. Paradoxically, the world’s greatest wisdom traditions hold that a person’s worth doesn’t change depending on external success and its rewards. A person’s worth is based upon the value of a soul, which is infinite and unchanging. Because life is teeming with change, you must go deeper to find that part of yourself that does not change, the part that is constant. Once you have found it, nourish it, and begin to write your own story. This shift in consciousness allows you to live in a constantly changing world from the level of your soul.
So how does God, the Universal power, want us to grow, what direction does she want us to take, and who’s guidelines should we follow? The answer to that is none. You get to grow the way you want to, by following your own desires. The things that deeply interest you play the role of God; you feel an irresistible attraction to them. Whatever fascinates you is also trying to wake you up. We’ve all heard the saying “If you don’t know where you are going, it doesn’t matter where you start.”
“An impulse of love, if followed wherever it leads, will become richer and more intense, and in the end it will reveal itself as divine. An impulse of gratitude will do the same thing, as will compassion, kindness, charity, faith, devotion, appreciation, art, and science. Wherever the human mind wants to expand, God, the Universal Source, will be waiting at the end of the line.” ~ Deepak Chopra
Start where you are, and follow your heart. Now that you have let fear go, you are free to take the risk to do and be who you really are.
What am I deeply interested in, and how might I bring those thoughts and ideas into physical reality?
Just for today, I will bask in the joy I find in exploring and discovering what attracts me.
As a brief reminder, the first guideline is to Fear Not. What we learned here is that we are safe. Our spirit is always safe – it is infinite. Once we understand that, we can begin to let our fear go. The second guideline is to Judge Not. This concept is pointed toward not judging others, and of equal importance, not judging yourself. It is about following your deepest interests and desires, and finding the Divine in the process.
Part three is about resistance to what makes us uncomfortable, no matter how small.
Resist Not
If we have no reason to judge, and there is nothing left for us to fear, there is only one thing left. Do not resist that which makes you uncomfortable. Linda Howe, Director of the Akashic Institute, says, “When we resist and turn away from what makes us uncomfortable, we begin to build an energetic wall that keeps growing all around us until the very thing we are resisting becomes the barrier that keeps us from moving through it.”
Resistance means defiance, opposition, and rejection. If you are resisting part of who you are, you are rejecting yourself. If you are resisting someone, or what they are trying to give you, you are rejecting all or part of that person. If you don’t resist, but just let something be, it goes away. Letting go baffles people. It seems people hold on to anger, fear, violence and addiction even though they have tried with all their might to renounce them. Negative things stick to us because we are attached to the underlying energy that doesn’t want to go away. Letting go requires a process. It asks us to do the following:
Look carefully at what is occurring when you feel your resistance. When you are angry or fearful, pay attention to what you are feeling and vocalizing. Identify the energy that is consuming you.
See the facts of the particular situation. Detach the energy from what has occurred so you can concentrate on the specifics. This allows you to release your anger, and pay attention to what needs to be learned or dealt with in a meaningful way.
Tell the truth about the situation, and take responsibility for your part in it. Your energy is yours, and yours alone. It doesn’t belong to anyone else, and it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong, or who is the aggressor or the victim. Your role in this situation is to let go of the energy that has stuck to you for whatever reason.
Take action, and don’t expect anyone to do it for you. You find freedom through the use of your mind, body and soul. As much as others can be compassionate and wish us well, only you can take the action needed to embark on your own journey.
Because negative energies get stuck in us, they can cause problems physically. Many kinds of bodywork and energy therapies can be useful here. They provide a powerful antidote to inflicting pain on another by letting loose with verbal or physical abuse. Getting rid of stuck energy is a private matter that belongs to you. Don’t be afraid to explore and discover who you really are and what you are really about. It’s time to break free of your second hand life – based on what others tell you about you, the voices from your past, and what you were taught by your tribe and your culture. By letting go of these old energies and the need to conform, you manifest a new freedom for yourself.
What am I resisting within me that makes me uncomfortable?
Just for today, I will let go of my resistance and love the freedom I gain by taking action.
Truth-telling – Can You Be An Authentic Leader Without It?
Truth-telling is something I have been doing ever since I was a child, however the while it is very comfortable, the same has hurt me too. The thing to do is to keep pusuing it with Ease and Grace. The lesson is wrapped around the concept of being truthful about the fears we have that stop us from taking transformational steps in creating the change we want to see in our lives. There is a structure of cost and rewards to being a truth-teller, and there is an impact that the truth has on you and those around you. It could be a heavy topic, and as always it generates a great deal of conversation when you open it up for discussion.
What came up for me as I worked on the lesson, and the exercises for my children and colleagues, was the need to always tell myself the truth about any situation. I hear people commonly say “I don’t have time to (you name it). I’m busy with taking care of my family, networking, volunteering, and my career, my business.”
Yes, all of that is true, but the real truth is that we are just not doing (you name it). If we honestly look at our day, we could have found the time, but we rapidly filled or day with activities that may or may not fulfill our values or meet our needs.
There are a couple schools of thought about what truth is. Various schools of thought, teaches that truth is the facts of what has occurred in physical reality, it teaches that truth is sometimes deeper and more profound than the facts that have been presented as truth, and is what is so for you.
The discovery of truth is at times a process. It changes over time as you get more in tune with who you are, and make discoveries about your world and how it works. It’s important to hold your truth lightly, and not let it become a rule that will not allow you to explore a myriad of possibilities with curiosity and delight. In addition, truth is not something to hold out for others to adhere to; they are living their own truth and are on their own path. As you begin to explore these concepts, it may strike you that your truth, and the truth of someone else, may or may not be the real truth.
The more you work to uncover your truth, you will discover that there aren’t that many people interested in the truth. When you are required to work with people who are not, you must be prepared for the consequences of being direct and you must take care when sharing your thoughts. Truth-telling must be intentional and well thought out. It requires you to be sensitive, and choose the time for truth carefully. It does no good to share truth when it will not be received because the person you are sharing with is not ready to hear it.
Truth-telling is one of the most important lessons you can learn, or teach, for that matter. It makes the biggest difference in your life, and if you are lucky enough to have been given children to raise, it is one of the most valuable things you can teach them, just by doing.
Still your mind, and look around you and inside you. There you will find your truth, the most important truth of all. You will not find it in a book or classroom. You will find thoughts and interpretations there which you must sift through in order to find what holds meaning for you. Believe in the truth you can perceive with your five senses – the truth of physical reality – and what you feel in your heart. Once you have recognized the truth, your mind and body will rapidly adjust.
If Money Doesn’t Buy Happiness, What Does?
Money buys things, which don’t make us happy. Happiness comes from inside, things come from the outside, and while they might give us a momentary thrill, they will never give us lasting happiness. An interesting study has been done around the increasing wealth and materialism of the United States, and the fact that the happiness index has been stable or has actually decreased.
You are now probably asking….so how do I get lasting happiness? What will make me happy? That is the question of the millennium! There are many people studying it, and, of course, just as many theories around it.
Psychologists are saying we are born with a happiness set point. For example, if something wonderful happens (we win the lottery), we leap high on the happiness scale, but we will settle down to our set point over time. If something tragic happens and we drop to the bottom of the happiness scale, we will eventually rise to our set point. And like all human traits, some of us have higher set points than others, i.e., some of us are happier than others due to genetics (at least that is the theory).
Others are saying we choose to be happy, and there are nine choices we must make to be happy. Those choices start with an intention to be happy; asking ourselves the very basic question: What attitude will make the quality of this experience the best it can be right now?
The question can be asked multiple times each day as we are faced with an opportunity requiring us to act/react. After interviewing hundreds of happy people, authors Rick Foster and Greg Hicks state in their book, How We Choose to be Happy, that “the quality of our emotional experience is based almost entirely on the nature and strength of our intentions and very little on the actual things that happen in our lives.”
Until you develop the intention to be happy, you will continue to draw unhappy people into your lives, supporting your unhappiness, as you support theirs. Your relationships are based on the shared unhappiness, reflecting your intention to be unhappy.
I found it interesting to note this particular piece of information since I have always relied upon others to give me feedback that either fed or took away my happiness – from family to work. In fact, most work environments are feedback based requiring the employee to always wonder how they are doing in relationship to what the employer wants, and those systems are not always positive in nature. It also may require the employee to live outside of their own integrity or values, trying to measure up to the performance standards set by others rather than themselves. What I have discovered is my reliance on others to make me happy does not work. Only I can make me happy.
Are you game to work with me to figure out how to do that?
First, look at your long-term intentions for the remainder of your life. For example, do you intend to:
Be a loving and caring mother/father
Be a helpful and supportive spouse/partner
Educate yourself in the pursuit of a vocation
Let go of perfectionist and judgmental thoughts
Be a great coach,
Be a caregiver to your parents
Secondly, eliminate those items on your list that are there because they are something someone else wants you to be/do. Keep those items that are there because they come from your heart. Eliminate those items that feel like you “should do” or “oughta do”.
The third step is to now re-write the sentence
I intend to be a loving and caring mother/father, and I intend to be happy doing it.
I intend to be a helpful and supportive spouse/partner, and I intend to be happy doing it.
And, so on.
Now, here comes the hard part:
Re-read the sentences you just re-wrote. Do they feel like the real you? How do you feel about them? If they don’t feel real, and you cannot connect with the statement, then it probably does not belong on your list. Either take them off the list, or change them to make them your own.
Then ask yourself the critical question: Who would you need to BE to fulfill that intent? When you spend the time to honestly answer the question, and detail it with a list of who you would need to be, and how you would go about doing it, you will see a shift in how you see the world and your place in it. You are ready to begin to create the change you would like to see in your life.
What are your intentions in life, and how would you respond to this question?
We Love complainers
Most of us have a finely tuned eye and ear for the ways we experience and perceive situations and people as hindering our ability to grow and develop. And, we have a tendency to hold grudges, constantly bringing up the past and what has been done “to” us. We have a great deal of practice in an unproductive language structure called complaining.
As leaders, it is important for us to pay attention to this language structure with a different set of eyes and ears than we are used to. It seems that complaining has become so common place at work, home, church and at play that we often don’t even notice it. It has become an almost accepted way of conversing with each other. The problem with this flourishing and growing structure of language is that it is non-transformational; it is an end in itself, leading nowhere.
Given that – why do we think it’s important for you to pay attention to the complaints swirling around you like an F5 tornado? Because it leads to transformation: People don’t complain about something if they don’t care about it. They have a passion for it, and they are deeply committed to it. As an authentic leader, you are deeply interested in what the people around you are committed to, and what is going on that is causing them discomfort. And, you know that people are generally only committed to something they value. It is imperative for you to listen, and really hear, what is being said and get to that kernel of understanding from which you can begin to create transformational change within the organizations where you work and volunteer, and your family life.
Let me give you an example:
Complaint: As CEO of this organization, I feel unsupported by the board when we go into meetings with the shareholders when they don’t meet my expectations of stepping up to offer their thoughts in the meetings to champion what I am proposing.
Re-frame to a value: I am committed to the value or the importance of support of the board when we go into meetings with the shareholders so that they (the board) will champion the proposals I am presenting for ratification.
What we did here was turn toward the complaint and pass through it to reach the language structure of what is valued, and creates commitment, to get to the other side. This leadership skill in communications honors the complaint and invites the complainer to follow the transformational steps to moving them forward by recognizing what it is that they value. This, in and of itself, makes them feel better about who they are because they view themselves differently. For the leader, we have opened the opportunity to the creation of positive energy and forward movement.
I am committed to listening to the people around me when they complain to discern what it is they value.
Leading In Crisis – Steps To Prevent Overreaction
The car in front of you just slammed on the brakes. You could stop suddenly but you’re in a hurry and so instead, you swerve into the other lane. Your heart is pounding as you suddenly realize you were lucky there wasn’t anyone in the other lane. All this happens in a fraction of a second and at the same time you’re verbalizing some unkind words aimed at the other driver, you see why he stopped so suddenly. A child has run into the street! Now you feel bad for what you said. What if that child hadn’t stopped?
As leaders, sometimes we act like this: quick to take action before really understanding the situation, then realizing too late that there might be a reason for someone else’s actions that were contrary to our own ideas or intentions. There are several different descriptions of leadership styles that describe how a leader interacts with subordinates. There’s another factor though that can often transcend those normal styles and that’s how a leader reacts to adversity.
Unfortunately, many leaders see those unusual or unexpected situations as a threat to their own plans or even their future; a viewpoint that can cause an inappropriate and usually counterproductive reaction. Of course, such a reaction is also quite normal. The following steps can help a leader avoid that sort of reaction.
1. Realize, right now, that unexpected things will happen. Sometimes they will be minor problems that look big. Sometimes they will be big problems that throw your whole plan off track. In any case, they will happen.
2. Remember that you are a leader. Others rely on you to be the steady influence, especially when things don’t go right. When you don’t maintain a fairly even keel, you are denying others of the good leadership you are supposed to provide. Also remember people follow a leader, even when the leader is reacting in an inappropriate or counterproductive way.
3. Don’t immediately overreact. In fact, don’t immediately react at all. There are very few times when an instant reaction is really necessary. There is almost always time to stop and evaluate the situation. Even a brief appraisal of the situation will bring it into better focus and ensure a better response.
4. Always keep in mind that you are not the only one affected by the crisis. It’s easy to see ourselves as victims without considering others who may actually be more harmed by the issue. Keep in mind also, that your reaction will have some effect on others. A good leader will give this equal weight when making a decision.
5. Whatever caused the crises happened for a reason. Just like the car stopping in front of you, it might have been a very good reason. Strive to discover that reason before taking action.
The driver in the opening example was fortunate. There was no one in the other lane and the child did not continue running into the street. As a leader you may have been fortunate to have dealt poorly with a situation and not suffered any detrimental consequences. Next time a crisis arises, try these five steps.
Leadership Perspectives: Seeing Ourselves As Others See Us
Ever wonder what you look like, sound like, act like in the eyes of others, customers, direct report, spouse or partner etc?
While most of us will give lip service to feedback there is a deep tendency to shrink away from being told anything that smacks of negativity. Out loud we usually say, “Thanks for telling me, I’ll look into your comments” while internally the thought is: “Who do you think you are, that’s just the way I am!”
There is such powerful resistance to change that most of us would rather be right than happy. We tend to dig our heels in and while we hear the words to make change happen in our lives, they slide away like an ice cream cone rolling down a toddler’s face on a hot summer’s day.
It takes real effort to listen.
Ingrained habits and patterns of behavior have their place. Think about it: what if every morning you had to relearn to brush your teeth, comb your hair or get dressed.
Yet, way too often we go on automatic, not thinking about what we are doing and how it impacts others. Gandhi put it perfectly when he said we should not mistake what is habitual for what is natural. Changing what is habitual is one of the goals of self awareness, one of the key elements of becoming a great leader.
What we teach in “Total Leadership Connections” is the power of becoming Pattern Aware. This goes hand and hand with developing high emotional intelligence. Here are some thoughts to help you move from “It’s just the way I am” to “Here is how I choose to be.”
First, take the time to really listen to feedback. It is there for you to move to higher levels of self awareness and leadership excellence. While listening, rather than brushing comments aside, notice your gut reaction. If you tend to feel tightness in your stomach or notice you are clenching your fists or your jaw, pay close attention.
You can learn a lot about yourself simply by monitoring your own body sensations. Most of these basic reactions stated in childhood when you were yelled at by a parent, sibling or a teacher. This is where we all learned to hate feedback. It was rarely given in thoughtful, well planned ways. Usually it was a slap on the rear or a taunt, or detention. Not good for learning better habits. Good for creating defensive positioning.
Gandhi was right, what is habitual is not natural. What is natural is to tell the truth, be accountable and look for ways to cooperate and accentuate creativity.
Do Your Beliefs Have You?
I’ve heard these beliefs called Limiting Beliefs, Big Assumptions, and Untruths seen as Truth. Let’s run with this. An assumption is defined by the dictionary as “something whose truth status is uncertain; it may or may not be true.” A belief, according to the dictionary, is “a conviction, trust, or confidence that something is real or true.”
Our beliefs are often assumptions we have made about the world, those around us, and even ourselves. They may or may not be a reflection of reality. They are often based upon one or more experiences we have had that made such an impression on us that the experience became our reality, or “the truth”. They have us.
As I work with my clients, I find them to be brave individuals, dealing with their world as effectively as they can given the beliefs they hold about their world. Even though to the people around them it appears that their behavior can be destructive not only to themselves, but to others, if we are able to discern the assumptions they believe to be true in their world, we can understand their behavior.
Most of us accept that children look at their world from a limited perspective, not having the experiences we as adults have had over the years. What would your world be like if you were to discover that you hold beliefs or worldviews that have been outgrown? Would you like some examples?
Prior to Columbus sailing to America, the “TRUTH”, or the commonly held belief, was that the world was flat. What do you believe now?
A placebo, or “sugar pill” is sometimes given to people who are ill to compare its effects against “real” medicine. It doesn’t do anything medicinally, but they get better anyway.
No one believed that anyone could run a four minute mile until Roger Bannister did so in 1954. Over 18 runners have done so since then.
If we are absolutely positive that we know how the world works, we generally don’t have a tendency to look for a different reality. This is not the purview of a child’s world only. Stepping out of our perspective to view reality from another point of view may be more difficult for adults than it is for children.
Much of what passes as professional development is an effort to help us develop more skills or the ability to cope with change, stress, etc. This is done within the assumptions or perceptions of our current reality. If you really want to transformation in your life, you must step outside of your current perceptions so you might see what is underneath and shaping your perceptive reality.
Change Is The Nature of Life
I’m reading an older book by Neale Donald Walsch, published in 2002, entitled “The New Revelations”. I have enjoyed most of his books, and occasionally go back to read them again. I always find something new to get out of them, based upon where I am in my own transformational learning at the time. This time I picked up on his chapters on change, and the concept that “change is the nature of life”. In it, he is talking about the need for change, for moving on, in our societies, in our religions, and in our belief systems. He expounds on “enlarging” our knowledge and accepting “more” into our lives rather than relying on ancient learning and interpretation.
This fits in nicely with the work that Heath Harding and I are doing in developing our program on “Creating Change with Ease and Grace”, scheduled to roll out in mid-March. So, here is the interesting part. There are basically three types of change, as part of the nature of life:
The first is where dynamic systems fall apart. They wear down, and eventually become too random and disordered to utilize energy effectively. This happens to our bodies, our material possessions (cars, houses, appliances), our religions, our organizations, our governments, and our cultures.
The blessing is that as humans, there is another force of nature. Physicists call it negentropy, the negative or reverse of entropy (#1). The technical explanation is that it is the energy expended to slow down the entropy. In terms that I understand, it is the natural inclination some of us have to continue the transformation of who we are. Even though our bodies are wearing down, our minds can be expanding our conscious and unconscious thought processes. Not only do we humans deteriorate physically, but we also can choose to enjoy the processes that lead to more choice, better concentration and power over our thoughts and ideas. It is only by understanding this process, and utilizing it in every situation do we create transformational learning.
“We will never be able to solve our problems, at the same order of complexity we used to create them.” ~ Albert Einstein
The last force of nature is entitled dynamic equilibrium. This is where the positive and negative forces are in stasis. The system is at equilibrium because the equation equals no net change. It isn’t because there is not activity. Quite the contrary. Dynamic equilibrium is about competing energy usage, sometimes allowing change to occur for a brief period, but ultimately falling back into “the way we’ve always done it”.
As leaders, we are constantly looking for something that will create significant change for our organizations, moving us to more complexity, a higher capacity, and more success. In addition, we are backing that up with worry that we could be in danger of losing our lead in the competitive race, becoming complacent and routine, and thereby losing focus. How many of you have been involved in a significant push to change the organizational culture, or even your own personal way of life, only to make the change for a brief time, and then slide right back to where you started (or even beyond)? Most of us could raise our hands here.
Most of us want to be part of a dynamic organization that does not disintegrate or even stay exactly the same. It is exciting to be moving forward, to be a learning organization, and be energized by creativity, freedom and growth. In order to evolve in this direction, we must be willing to embrace change;change that is significant and transformational. The openness to change must occur at all levels of the organization from top leadership on down in order to be completely successful.
How much are you willing to embrace and create change in your life with ease and grace?
In Order to Evolve We Must Change
Or: Is it possible to grow beyond adolescence?
In my years in leadership positions, and now as I’m coaching other leaders, one of the statements I hear most often is “Change is hard!” And, unfortunately, as hard as we try, whether from a personal or an organizational perspective, we might successfully move toward change for a period of time, but we invariably slide back to that with which we are familiar. William Perry, Harvard professor, often said as he counseled others, “What does this person really want – and what will they do to keep from getting it?” This statement struck me hard. It made me think about the many times I vowed to change a behavior, whether personal or professional, but somehow I moved back to square one over time. Some situation or some thought process pulled me away from the awareness of what I was aiming for, or completely overwhelmed it.
The beauty of it is that it is possible to grow beyond adolescence! We don’t have to be defined by a stagnated mental development because we can choose to change. Even better, we can create change, not just react to it. We don’t have to “fix” ourselves, because at the very heart of things we are perfect just the way we are! There is nothing to break down, reduce or overcome. What we are aiming for is transformational learning; our own, and in supporting others as they go about their own learning.
Why does this matter? Because as we assume leadership roles in organizations, volunteer positions, and at home, we are confronted with these realities:
A good share of leading involves working with others to effect significant change.
It is very hard to manifest change within a group without changes taking place in individual behaviors and group dynamics.
It is almost impossible to nourish and maintain those behavioral changes without changing the causal meanings that create the behavior.
And, we have an extremely difficult time leading others in transformational learning if we aren’t willing to consider the possibility that we also need to change.
Most people would agree, I believe, that despite the enormous amount of money being spent in our corporate environments today on change management, very little significant change actually takes place. It may be because they don’t go deep enough to look at why each individual may be resisting the very change they are trying to manage!
Heath Harding, UNL Leadership PhD candidate, and I will be rolling out a program in mid-March to talk about change, and how you can begin to utilize the process outlined within the program to create the change you most want to see, learn to deal with the changes you are presented with on a daily basis with conscious intent, and take action in meaningful ways. This process is designed to help you understand why significant “change is hard”, and to help you move beyond it by transforming your relationship to change. Stay tuned!
Leadership Perspective: Creating Space For Change
We’ve all made commitments to ourselves and to our corporations to bring about transformational change. Unfortunately, what we create is change that sometimes occurs for short periods of time, but inevitably slips back into the everyday routine, or creates such chaos that it is shelved before we can find out why chaos reigns.
When we take the time to discover our competing commitments, and those of the people we work with, we often will find beliefs held that may or may not be true. These beliefs have often taken hold of us like a burr on the coat of a dog wandering through the fields. They have latched on, and just won’t let go without a lot of tugging and pulling.
These beliefs warn us about the ways in which our universe can be turned upside down. They hint at how those things or people we care about the most might be highly upset. If you say them out loud, especially in large groups, you will hear things that feel intimately familiar, that may be penetrating in their clear and almost overwhelming candor. They may cause you to sit in silence, absorbing the suggestion of cascading belief systems that could be set off by looking at even one strongly held belief.
Let me give you some examples of beliefs I have heard. You may resonate with some of them:
I assume that if I tell people what I really think, then I will be fired, broke and I will lose everything.
I assume that if I were to really deal with my unhappiness at work, I would have to quit my job.
I assume that if I am not successful monetarily, my family will be ashamed of me.
When you look at these beliefs, you may find that what you say you are committed to and are trying to implement cannot be done effectively and economically because the problem is in an entirely different form. If you can stand to stay with what you have identified as a limiting belief, you can learn a great deal, and can use this knowledge to solve you. And, when you finally get to the point where you have identified a limiting belief, you can move from your place of captivity to a place of introspection – looking at it from all angles, and possibly altering it.
Looking at it from a leadership perspective allows us to recognize that we are not able to create any significant change until we recognize the dynamics of equilibrium that cause us to continuously construct nonchange. It takes an extraordinary leader to cultivate a way to surface and explore competing commitments within the organization without blaming some aspect of the entire organization. It may not even be possible without the leaders of the organization exploring the issues on an individual level.
As a leader, are you willing to take on the challenge of keeping your limiting beliefs in the forefront of your mind, working with a community of peers who are willing to partner with you to:
Observe yourself in action in relation to your limiting belief.
Look for experiences that cast doubt on your limiting belief.
Explore the “biography” of your limiting belief.
Test your limiting belief to see what happens.
These steps create the space required for us to be able to step away from our belief long enough to consider altering it, or at least suspending it in certain situations. Small changes such as this allow for transformational learning – in our consideration of possibilities we would never have considered before and in the choices we will consider making in the future.
How much space are you willing to make for change to occur?
Leadership Passion Without Attachment to the Outcome?
I posted the following question on LinkedIn on Sunday because I was genuinely seeking comments and thoughts from other leaders, particularly those in groups that are character-based groups. The question was – “Pondering whether you can be a great leader if you are personally attached to the outcome.”
I had made a statement earlier in the week to another leader that I wasn’t upset when people share their thoughts and ideas, or even if they push back a bit, because I wasn’t attached to the specifics of the outcome. The response I received implied that I couldn’t be a good leader if I wasn’t attached. Of course, I was taken aback by this, and wanted to know if others thought the same way I did.
First of all, thank you to all of you who weighed in on the topic. I’m hoping this post will generate more dialogue, and we can continue collaborating on this.
Of the responses I received, 21% agreed that you can’t lead without being attached to the outcome, and 64% agreed that you shouldn’t be attached, the remainder said “it depends”.
RESPONSES
Two-thirds of those that said you can’t lead without being attached to the outcome were from non-profit organizations, where the cause is the passion, and the leaders within the organization often have a personal reason for being there. The other third stated that they “didn’t know how you can be a great leader if you’re NOT personally attached to the outcome. The best leaders take responsibility for and are accountable for the results their team creates.”
The greatest majority responded with similar thoughts as mine, and hopefully this will spark some more conversation. Here are some of the comments:
I wouldn’t necessarily use the terms “personally attached” but rather “committed to a successful outcome.” When the leader or contributors fall in love with a product, service or solution, it may damage or impose process issues, and often overlooks gaps in the system causing some failure or alienation of those contributing.
You can be a great leader without being personally attached to the outcome. When you lead people through a process, it will move them along on their own journey. The goal for the leader is not outcome related… I believe the leader must have an intention that is not results oriented but process oriented… This doesn’t mean the end result is less.
You CAN be committed to success, outcomes, and profit without emotional attachment. Compassion can be real and you can give it your “all” without being attached to the outcome. . . If the expected outcome does not materialize then we have an opportunity to flow into something that may be purposeful, more meaningful or just plain great.
If the leader benefits to the detriment of one’s followers, then they are not great. However, if you define “personally attached” as feeling responsible for and invested in a positive outcome, then great leadership is almost a given. I say almost because if one gets too caught up in the outcome, taking it all too personally, then one’s leadership skills are likely to suffer in the process, decreasing one’s effectiveness.
I think the leader does not and probably should not be “attached” to the “outcome” but committed and passionate about the direction. The specific outcome may change for good reasons. Being attached to a specific outcome could get in the way as the need to consider a different or better outcome arises.
I think having a personal attachment to the process is essential for leadership. It’s easy to become consumed and lose perspective if over-attached to the outcome, rather than the process. . . If, as a leader I focus on the process, I’m more likely to lead with integrity and honor those I’m leading.
No outcomes and decisions should be considered personal. Everything is for the long-term benefit of the entity. Especially with true collaboration. Plus, when you have a culture of experimentation without fear of failure, then all outcomes (no matter what) are not considered “attached” to anyone. Instead they are team learning events in the continuum of continual improvement.
In the maybe, people were looking at both sides of the conversation:
The first important distinction must be made between long term and short term outcomes. All leaders must be personally attached/committed to the long term goals and outcomes, to compliance with company values and to a set of personal values. In contrast, the attachment to the short term goals and challenges is subject to each leader’s discretion choice of leadership style in a given situation. If as a leader I choose a coaching approach, detachment from precise outcomes is crucial. However if I choose a corrective intervention, I may at times be very attached to a particular outcome or change of behavior.
As with many issues it depends on the degree of attachment/detachment. Sometimes an added personal passion can make a huge difference to a successful outcome. In other cases a degree of objective neutrality and being open to the possibility of having to walk away can also be key. Personal attachment can be a problem.
Additional comments:
The problem I see today is that there is too much selfishness on the part of those running the companies. They have no concern as to how their decisions will affect those that work for them. There is a great disconnect within the companies today and it needs fixing if we are to move forward.
Are you asking about CEO’s who gain by moving the stock price but cannibalize the organization in the process?
My Thoughts
Simply put, I don’t think you can be a great leader if you ARE committed to the specifics of the outcome to the exclusion of the thoughts and ideas of your team, your co-workers, your customers or your suppliers. One of the biggest issues today’s leaders face is that many are working under the big assumption that they are always right or that they are on top of everything there is to know. Hence, we have “constructive” criticism, performance reviews that concentrate on developing your weaknesses, and concentrated efforts to push through projects with detailed specifics given to individuals to implement without input.
I believe a great leader is committed to the process. The process of trusting everyone on your team to have valuable input, to put their best ideas forward, and working together to improve the specifics in order to create the best outcome possible. This process is augmented by having open and honest conversation that sparks deep thinking and creative solutions. This occurs because individuals trust each other, allowing them to put their differences on the table, and encourages back and forth dialogue. These two leadership practices build commitment to a common purpose and vision, ultimately leading to accountability and results – which is where the leader’s commitment should be focused, while staying open to the flexibility needed due to the constant summons of the need for transformation. Without this process in place, a person is in a place of power, but may never be a leader in the purest definition of the word.
I don’t think I’m stepping outside the bounds of the non-profit world. Having been deeply committed to my own causes for over twenty years, I understand the passion and the deep personal attachment to a vision. These are very powerful, and often help inspire followers, but don’t necessarily lead to solid leadership without the above process in place.
Please continue the conversation. I welcome all thoughts. I am committed to the process of learning leadership best practices, knowing that there is not one right answer, least of all my answer. There are many more people who know far more than I do – and I’m inviting you to contribute.
People who have contributed to this post – Mike Henry, Sr. , Joseph Mullin, Jen Kuhn, Anne Perschel, Dorothy Dalton, Zoe Dawes, Karin Zastrow, Mercedes Warrick, Connie Dunn, Florence Tandy, Jim Holland, Wendy Harless, Jenna DeAngelis, Jay Steinfeld, and Daniel Buhr. Thank you for your thoughts, and your insight.
Life Lessons for Leaders- Caring Communication: What Are You Doing Instead?
In 1983, Ashley Montagu and Floyd Matson stated in their book, The Human Connection, that love is the highest form of communication. They say:
“Human communication, ‘as the saying goes, is a clash of symbols’ it covers a multitude of signs. But it is more than media and messages, information and persuasion; it also meets a deeper need and serves a higher purpose. Whether clear or garbled, tumultuous or silent, deliberate or fatally inadvertent, communication is the ground of meeting and the foundation of community. It is, in short, the essential human connection.”
In many instances, we see distancing, destruction, intimidation, disappointment, degradation, and devaluing not only in our corporate cultures, but in our personal lives as well.
As a leader you may want to think about the following instead:
Tell your colleagues on a regular basis that you care about them. Through your conversation, your actions and your body language. You can’t assume that they know it. Our society has become much too cynical to spend time discovering someone’s authentic self. A character in Philip Roth’s book, The Human Stain, said “By a certain age, one’s mistrust is so exquisitely refined that one is unwilling to believe anybody.” And, if they are embarrassed by it, do it anyway.
Tell your colleagues when they have done good work, and reassure and encourage them when they fail. When you employee does something for you, affirm and appreciate them. Don’t slide into the habit of taking them for granted.
Let your associates know when you need their help. It makes them stronger to know they have the power to assist you. Even though they care about you, admire and respect you, they still can’t read your mind.
Celebrate. Often without any other reason than you care about your coworkers and you enjoy them. Verbalize your happiness.
Respond to your colleagues as if they matter. Make them feel special and valued. It will make up for the times they feel invisible.
Validate your collaborator’s feelings and listen to what they have to say. Their experience of something is important to them, and it is their truth. If you truly see them and hear them as they are in the moment, it is a continued affirmation of their being, as you collaborate on change.
Respect the silence. Let it do the heavy lifting. Alternatives for growth are most often realized in moments of quiet.
Let others know you value your colleagues. Public affirmation makes them feel special and proud, especially when you say it TO them, rather than about them.
Life Lessons for Leaders – Communication: Use Your Words, Don’t Let Them Use You
Have you noticed that all of life seems to be a symbol for something else? Words aren’t any different. They represent things, but they aren’t the things they represent. They are phonetic symbols, that when put in an agreed-upon order, and given a meaning, denote something.
Remember, a couple of blogs ago, I talked about how we use the words we learn as symbols with which to organize our worlds. And, that our family, our tribe, teach us these symbols – the definitions and the intellectual content of the words. From a metaphysical standpoint, we think with these words and we become what we think. Taking this one step further, we also attach emotional content to the words we have learned, based upon our experiences and how we felt about those experiences.
For example, let’s take the word mother. The definition is a female parent. When you think about the word mother, what emotions come up for you? What does it feel like, smell like, taste like? You can see that the emotional content is even more significant than the intellectual content, in many cases.
I recently had a relatively deep conversation with some people about the phrase “How are you going to make it happen?” in relationship to setting goals and taking them to fruition. When you look at the definition of the word make, it is relatively innocuous. It means to create, or give form. However, several people had a deep negative reaction to the phrase, for similar, but different reasons. The intellectual definition was overridden by the emotional content of those words. For them, these particular words brought up visions of a power structure, an uncaring boss, and forcing someone to do something. When we changed the structure of the phrase to “How are we going to make it happen?” it quickly softened the emotional content. When we changed the structure to “How are you going to manifest this in your life?” it took the negative away, and moved it into the positive realm.
Words continue to bring up feelings of love, safety, hate, fear, anxiety and avoidance. These are responses we often learned as children when we first encountered them as children. And, we have never bothered to redefine those words as adults. A lot has transpired since you first learned your words in terms of sensitivity, experience and education. It may be to your benefit to look at your words, and redefine your personal adult dictionary. It’s essential to know and understand the words you use, because they could be using you. You can control your words by changing your definitions and your feelings relating to them. This is the only way you can free yourself enough to control your life, because the words you use will determine your belief systems and your actions.
Before I finish here, I’d like to slip into the non-verbal aspect of messages. These are smiles, handshakes, hugs, laughter, eye contact, touching, holding, etc. These are also languages or symbols of communication and have power in their own right. As does listening. As does action.
When someone asks you how you are doing, and you say ‘fine’ it is important you tell your face the same thing.
Research shows that the average person listens 4-5 times faster than most people can talk. When you are listening, how do you decide to use the intervals? Are you thinking of how to respond? Are you planning dinner and your grocery list? Are you busy judging the other person’s clothes, grammar, and personal mannerisms? How much do you miss when you do that?
Do you show your co-workers you care about them? How do you put your feelings into action? What message do you convey after you have said “I care about you”?
Life Lessons for Leaders – Communication: The Art of Dialogue
How do you use language? How do you keep it growing?
Most of us use language as a means of imparting information or to explain something. My husband and I have been married for almost 40 years. Because we have kept schedules at opposite ends of the clock, he working nights and me days, I often tell people we have been married as long as we have because we don’t have to communicate a lot, nor have we spent more than twelve hours a week with each other. In the time we spend together, we quickly pass information back and forth that we think the other needs to know to keep our household going, and to share what our families are doing. As Karl nears retirement, I have realized that it will be vital that we relearn the art of dialogue, speaking of things that are meaningful to both of us. Too often conversations are simply monologues disguised as dialogue. For instance, how my husband talks about retirement vs. the way I see it. Sometimes, we are each talking about our dreams without listening carefully to the other. This leads to definite misunderstandings, and often unhappiness on our parts.
Let’s flip this over into the leadership realm (even though we can learn a lot from the personal side of things). Martin Buber, a Jewish philosopher, talks about several types of dialogue:
Technical dialogue – communication in which we give information, requiring no feeling, and it is received and acted upon. How much of your conversation with the people you work with consists of instruction or reporting, with very little human interchange?
Monologue disguised as dialogue – one person speaks to the total indifference of the other.
True dialogue – the speaker has the other person’s individuality and special needs in mind
Great leaders strive for true dialogue where the major goal is the wellbeing of their co-workers, the enrichment of what gives meaning to their work, and continued nourishment and ongoing regard for their potential. It is only when we care enough about the people we work with to see them for who they are, can we hope to succeed as agents for positive change.
How do we get to “I care about you back” without anxiety or fear?
Be with your co-worker, prepared to be no where else. Close down your e-mail. Put your phone on call-forward, let others know you are not to be disturbed, and above all, don’t cancel the meeting.
Muster your courage, and be prepared to really hear their response to your conversation and questions, and respond in turn.
Look them in the eyes. Otherwise, they may feel invisible. Devalued. Open your vision so that the entirety of the person comes to you; don’t bore a hole in them.
Listen. For what is underneath and around the words being said. Listen for what isn’t being said. Listen for intent.
If it gets really quiet after you have asked a question, sit in silence and let insight be known.
Ask about feelings. If you fail to ask, nothing changes.
Be clear when you feel the need to add something to the conversation. However, less talk on your part is more.
If you run out of time, schedule another time to continue your conversation.
Life Lessons For Leaders – Communication: How Do You Say I Care?
Infants learn language by distinguishing the silences between sounds and the way the sounds are put together. They also learn meanings based upon nuances and emotions behind the words. They begin to organize their world around the words that they hear frequently; the words become the tools that enable them to interact with their environment. This is how they make the human connection.
I believe this activity continues throughout our adult lives. However, the conversations we have as leaders are predicated upon the words we learned, and the behavior we witnessed as children.
What was your first word? What word did you use most often? Did you know how to say ‘no’ before you knew ‘yes’? What was the ratio of a loving ‘good job’ to the shriek of ‘stop that’? Where does the child learn to yell “I hate you”? ‘No’, ‘stop that’ and ‘I hate you’ are not inborn. They are learned, as are the behaviors that go with them.
Does this mean that those of us who learned the negativity, the violence, or the concept of victimhood need to stay there? No. It simply means we need to be aware of, and willing to change our language and our way of thinking. We need to affirm, often, for ourselves and others the words of “yes”, “good job”, “I want to know what you think” and “I care about you”. It means we need to learn how to listen, not only to the words, but to the nuances and emotions behind the words. We need to re-organize our world around the words of kindness, compassion, inclusivity and commitment.
Susan Scott, in her book Fierce Conversations, says:
Our work, our relationships, and our lives succeed or fail one conversation at a time. While no single conversation is guaranteed to transform a company, a relationship, or a life, any single conversation can. Speak and listen as if this is the most important conversation you will ever have with this person. It could be. Participate as if it matters. It does.
As a leader, how do you say, “I care about you”?
Life Lessons For Leaders – Caring Communications
We have developed communications systems to permit man on earth to talk with man on the moon. Yet mother often cannot talk with daughter, father to son, black to white, labor with management or democracy with communism. ~ Hadley Read
I would add several more paradoxical situations to this quote, straight to gay, republican to democrat, or left to right. But those issues are not what I want to talk about today.